The next WoW expansion after Wrath!

That’s right folks I have definitive evidence that the whole Cataclysm thing is a red herring meant to throw us off the trail! The next expansion for WoW will be Fisher Price: My First MMO! Here’s a list of new features:

10 MORE LEVELS WOO!

• That’s right kids now from Lv80-90 you’ll be doing the same thing you did at Lv1-10. You’ll get 10 more talent points to throw the fucking shit out of any game balance and maybe 1 or 2 new base abilities that will be nerfed to hell after a week of beta testing! If they do make it to retail you’ll only get to use them at Lv90 and they’ll have an 8 hour cooldown!

Another new gimmick mechanic you’ll see 100 times over in the next few months!

• You’ve done bombing runs about a thousand times, driven vehicles for quests and PvP and even raids, you’ve also dug through pile after pile of poo looking for keys or cherries or some other random junk. Now get ready for naval combat! Equip yourself with a bottle of K.Y. and join the other butt-pirates as you jump ship like half of the existing player base when the Starwars MMO comes out.
• Your character no longer needs to breath and can swim underwater permenantly!
• Flying mounts can now be trained to swim underwater for the measly sum of 10,000 gold! Also you’ll need to train in the webbed feet skill for the use of all normal land mounts so they can run on water like the Jesus Lizard! As an alternative to casual players and alts, there will be a new heirloom item for 500 Emblems of Redundancy that lets you equip water wing floaties onto your mount!

NO NEW PLAYABLE RACES OR HERO CLASSES!

• Because game balance was pretty fucked already, we’ve decided to not include anything truly amazing in this expansion and instead have planned to release them as content patches sometime in the year 2012!

NEW! Official Blizzard Account Auction House!

• We figure that allowing you to switch factions and level from 1-80 in 48 hours casually wasn’t enough freedom and choice to the player! We want to remove any structure what so ever in the game itself and give players whatever they want when they want it regardless of how mundane or idiotic! So we’re revoking our policy on account trading and instead implamenting a new type of Auction House only accessible at Lv 90 where you can trade accounts and put them up for bidding! You will need to pay a $100.00 fee to Blizzard for access to the AAH and all gold traded will be deleted instantly to help keep player wealth and happiness in check. What’s the point in grinding out more mindless daily quests for 9 hours a day if you already have 200,000,000 gold?

GNOMEREGAN…

• Is still being held by the Lv30 elites and there are no plans to introduce game phasing in order to update this zone! We feel that not allowing Lv90 characters to run lowbies through for gold is too restrictive and we dont’ want to block any content from being experienced by people that have been playing this game for 5 years.

MORE TENTACLE RAPE OLD GODS!

• The new final boss is going to be located in a 5man raid dungeon and will be Neptulonthulu the old god of french pastries! He will have 500 tentacles and will spawn small asian anime girls that need to be healed and then tanked at the same time before Queen Azshara overdoses from too many Xanax buff stacks. Once the old god is dead you have to convince the King of Darnassus to grant Azshara legs so she can marry Prince Anduin of Stormwind and live happily ever after with her crab, fish, and seagull adds.